A Most Earnest Inquiry Into the Peculiar Manner by Which They Ruin Nations, Plunder Purses, and Manage to Keep a Straight Face Whilst Doing So.
To the Gentle Reader, May God Give You Strength
It is a truth long whispered in the snug corners of Ireland’s public houses, muttered with eyes rolled and under breath at market stalls, and shouted in the streets after a sup or six: the English Tories are a rare breed of eejit.
And yet, despite a history of blunders long enough to stretch from Malin to Mizen and back again, they persist much like a stubborn pox that neither prayer nor poultice will cure.
This work, written out of duty rather than delight – I take no pleasure in it – aims to demonstrate with both evidence and God’s good humour that the Tories are not merely foolish, but rather, in a league of their own when it comes to ignorance, arrogance, and a talent for fleecing their own flock.
Drawing inspiration from historical critiques, this work is presented with a satirical tone characteristic of the Irish literary tradition.
I: The Tory Mind – A Strange and Barren Landscape
‘Tis well known that the Tory mind is a cold and desolate place, barren of both wit and compassion, save for the occasional thistle of self-interest that sprouts amidst the wasteland. Like a gobshite at a wake, the Tory is full of bluster but contributes nothing of use, save perhaps to remind the rest of us how little God divided when He was handing out sense.
II: On The Great Art of Talking Shite
A Tory will talk for an hour and say nothing at all – a rare skill to be sure. It is as if they believe that, should they shovel enough manure into the air, it might somehow pile into a grand idea. Their speeches are a fine example of this noble tradition – words stacked upon words like turf on a cold winter’s night. Except that turf is useful and keeps folk warm. Whereas a Tory speech merely keeps the rich comfortable and the poor freezing.
III: How a Nation May Be Brought to Ruin By Lads in Fine Waistcoats
The English have a gift for finding the worst possible man for the job and then insisting he is a genius. How else can one explain a government that pays nurses in crumbs and billionaires in gold? England, once a nation that ruled half the world, is now – literally – struggling to run a bath, given the state of privatised water – and yet its rulers have the gall to look Ireland in the eye and lecture us on governance.
(A Tory in everything but name. In fact, he’s only not a Tory because he’s too Tory for the Tories.)
IV: The Magical Thinking of the Tory Mind – The Rich Are Oppressed and the Poor Are Lazy
There are few creatures as delicate as a Tory millionaire, a man who believes that taxation is theft but that landlords should be given medals. They will cry foul at the suggestion of a nurse receiving a pay rise, but see no issue in pouring public funds into the pockets of their cousins and old school chums. It would be laughable were it not so ruinous.
V: The Great Love of War, Waste and Wasting Money on War
A Tory is a curious beast: he will decry the spending of a few pennies to feed a hungry child, but will empty the treasury at the first whisper of a war. They love a good battle, so long as it is fought by the children of the poor and not their own. And should the war be a failure? No matter. A Tory will declare it a grand success and hand himself a medal, much in the way a dog might present you with a dead rat, proud as punch and completely oblivious to the mess he has made.
VI: The Curious Case of the Irish, And Why the Tories Still Haven’t Figured Us Out
God knows they’ve tried. From Cromwell to Brexit, the English Tories have made a sport of misunderstanding Ireland. They ruled us for centuries and still couldn’t tell the difference between a Kerryman and a Culchie. They tell us they have a great respect for Ireland, but in the same breath would sell Donegal for a bag of crisps if they thought it would win them an election. Their policy toward Ireland has always been the same: take what isn’t theirs, wreck what is, and act affronted when we don’t thank them for all their efforts.
Why Isn’t He Called Murphy Like the Rest of Them?
VII: The Stiff Upper Lip and the Spineless Backbone
A Tory prides himself on having a stiff upper lip, though this is less a sign of resolve and more the natural consequence of living a life entirely devoid of kindness, joy, or the ability to emote like a normal human. They will tell you suffering builds character. Though strangely they prefer it to be someone else who is doing the suffering.
VIII: The Tory Voter – The Turkey That Votes for Christmas
If there is one thing more perplexing than a Tory politician, it is the person who votes for him. Much like a sheep that casts its vote in favour of the butcher, the Tory voter believes that if they are obedient enough, docile enough, and just the right amount of cruel to those below him, they might one day be invited to dine at the grand table. In truth, they will always be outside, watching through the window, while the real Tories dine on roast pheasant and tax breaks.
IX: Why a Fool Cannot Be Reformed, And Why Tories Should Be Kept Far Away from the Levers of Power
It is no use trying to reason with a Tory, for he is impervious to both logic and shame. It is as futile as teaching a pig to dance — it wastes your time, annoys the pig, and in the end, the pig still has all the power and you are left covered in pig shite. The only sensible course of action is to keep them as far from governance as possible, lest they once again mistake the treasury for their own pockets.
X: Thatcher. The Most Terrible Tory of All
Wherein It Is Demonstrated That One Woman, If Given Power Enough, Can Wreak Havoc Upon Both Her Own People and Those She Sought to Rule, and How She Left a Trail of Misery, Privatised Filth and Bloodied Hands in Her Wake.
There is a particular place in the annals of history reserved for Margaret Thatcher, a figure so singular in her commitment to cruelty, so unrelenting in her ideological war against both the poor and the Irish, that she must be considered the very embodiment of Toryism at its most vile.
While many Tories before her had blundered through incompetence, self-interest, or plain stupidity, Thatcher excelled in something far worse: malice with purpose.
She did not simply maintain the cold machinery of British conservatism; she sharpened its blades, greased them with working-class sweat and set them turning at full speed, grinding down the people of Britain and Ireland alike in her merciless pursuit of profit and power.
Privatising Britain Into Ruin—And Sewage
Margaret Thatcher’s vision for Britain was simple: if it existed in the public interest, it had to be destroyed.
If something could be sold for private gain, it must be.
The country was carved up and handed over to profiteers: the water, the electricity, the gas, the railways and whatever else she could wrestle from the public ownership and deliver into the greedy hands of her corporate friends, she did.
THATCHER’S MOST TERRIBLE TOP 10
She promised efficiency. She promised progress. What Britain got instead was soaring prices, failing infrastructure, and – quite literally – rivers of shite.
Her dedication to profit over people continues to bear fruit: the privatisation of water, that most basic and essential of human needs, now produces a fruitful abundance of sewage, with companies stuffing their pockets while Britain’s waterways fill with filth.
Thatcher’s Britain is still alive and well with money flowing freely to the already rich – and excrement flowing freely into the drinking water of the poor.
Her legacy is not one of economic success, as her deluded admirers claim, but one of national looting. The North of England was stripped for parts, entire industries razed to the ground, and those who once made Britain a productive nation were left in ruins, their communities abandoned, their jobs sent elsewhere.
But it was not just her own country she destroyed. No, Thatcher had a particularly keen interest in ensuring that Ireland too felt the full force of her brutality.
Ireland: Blood on Her Hands
If there was one thing that Thatcher understood about Ireland, it was that she did not understand it at all. She viewed the conflict in the north as something to be crushed, a mere inconvenience to be subdued by force, without thought for the people suffering beneath the boot of British rule.
She escalated the Troubles into one of the bloodiest, most dangerous periods in Irish history, ensuring that, under her watch, state violence, paramilitary chaos, and deepened division became the order of the day.
The Hunger Strikes—The Battle of Wills and Thatcher’s Unyielding Cruelty
Of all her crimes, perhaps the most infamous was her refusal to grant political status to Irish republican prisoners, leading to the 1981 Hunger Strikes, where Bobby Sands and nine other men starved to death in protest.
Where a leader with even an ounce of human decency would have sought a resolution, Thatcher dug in her heels. She refused to negotiate. She let men die rather than admit any legitimacy to their cause, and in doing so, turned them into martyrs, radicalised a generation, and deepened the fury of the Irish people.
She did not break the Irish republicans. And she did not bring peace.
Instead, she poured petrol on an already raging fire. Her policies ensured that violence escalated rather than diminished and, for years after her reign, the carnage she inflamed continued to claim lives on all sides.
And yet, even after all this, she had the gall to declare, years later, that her government had brought ‘stability’ to Northern Ireland.
A Tory’s idea of stability, it seems, is the graveyard.
Thatcher’s Legacy: A Cautionary Tale, Not a Triumph
Thatcher’s apologists will claim she ‘saved’ Britain. That she ‘stood firm.’ That she ‘won the war’ against the unions, the poor, the miners and the Irish. But what did she leave behind?
- A privatised hellscape where the people pay more for worse services, while corporations gorge themselves on what was once public wealth.
- A poisoned society where selfishness is a virtue and solidarity a weakness.
- A divided nation where the rich thrive in comfort while whole swathes of the country are left in decay.
- A legacy of brutality in Ireland where her policies extended the suffering and deepened the conflict.
If Thatcher is to be remembered for anything, let it not be as a great leader, nor as a visionary, but as a monument to cruelty, greed, and unrepentant arrogance.
She was, in every way, the worst of the Tories. And that is no small achievement.
XI: Labour: The New Tories – The Greatest Tory Trick of All
It is often said that the greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist. But surely, the greatest trick the Tories ever pulled was convincing Labour to become them — and without so much as a murmur of realisation from the so-called party of the people.
If Thatcher’s legacy was the wholesale destruction of Britain’s industries, communities, and public services, her most lasting victory was not in the dismantling of the welfare state but in the total infiltration and neutering of the Labour Party itself.
What need is there for a Tory government when your so-called opposition agrees with you on every fundamental point, while still maintaining the illusion of difference?
The Tories may be laughable, grotesque, and transparently self-serving, but at least they make no bones about what they are. Labour, however, has become something even worse—a party that still pretends to be an alternative while enacting the exact same policies, just with a slightly more apologetic tone.
Labour. Tory Lite.
It would almost be admirable, if it weren’t so pathetic. Like a slow-moving infection, the ideology of self-interest, privatisation, and capital-first governance has spread through Labour’s ranks, hollowing it out from the inside.
Once upon a time, Labour was a movement. Now, it is a brand.
Once upon a time, it represented workers, trade unions, and the struggle for fairness. Now, it represents ‘electability’ and focus-group-tested mediocrity.
Once upon a time, it stood as the great opposition to Conservative rule. Now, it is merely waiting its turn to wear the same mask, speak the same empty promises and serve the same interests.
The Labour leadership has been so effectively Tory-fied that it now finds itself more passionate about crushing its own left-wing than challenging the actual Conservatives.
The energy it lacks in fighting austerity, inequality, and corporate power is more than made up for in its relentless purging of any remnant of socialism within its own ranks.
The ‘Opposition’ That Rarely Opposed
This is where the real genius of the Tories lies. They do not just defeat their enemies; they become them. They shape the battlefield so completely that even when they lose an election, their policies still win.
Consider the so-called New Labour project, which – despite its rhetoric of progress – kept the privatisation of utilities, the deregulation of markets, and the continued servitude to capital as gospel truths.
Even today, as Britain continues to drown in the consequences of Thatcher’s policies – privatised railways, failing infrastructure, a hollowed-out NHS – Labour refuses to advocate for renationalisation or systemic reform, fearful of seeming too radical.
What an incredible achievement for the Tories! They have created a political culture in which their ideology is the only one that can be spoken aloud without being labelled ‘extreme’. Even the party founded to oppose them now does so only in name.
The Most Genius Political Strategy in Western History
Let us acknowledge the sheer brilliance of this deception.
- They destroyed their opposition by turning them into a cheap knockoff of themselves.
- They made Labour more concerned with appeasing capital than serving the working class.
- They ensured that, no matter who wins an election, the policies of privatisation, austerity and corporate enrichment remain unchanged.
It is a triumph of political engineering, a masterclass in ideological subterfuge.
The Conservatives have achieved something beyond simple electoral success—they have ensured that even when they lose, they still win.
Conclusion: The Tories’ Ultimate Victory
Labour, in its current form, is not an opposition. It is the Tories’ greatest and most enduring success—a controlled alternative, offering just enough hope to keep the electorate engaged but never enough to actually challenge the system.
This is the true Thatcherite legacy. Not just the destruction of the working class, not just the privatisation of Britain, but the total ideological capture of the opposition.
What a victory. What an absolute con. The greatest political trick in the history of the Western world. And the worst part?
Labour still hasn’t noticed.
Domesticky 
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