The Very Hungry Caterpillar

In the north of Ireland, one bright Monday morning,
out crawled a very greedy CATerpillar.

It wasn’t hungry for apples.
It wasn’t hungry for cake.
It was hungry for…

Tax breaks!

Teacher notes:
A “tax break” means the Caterpillar doesn’t pay as much as most people when you do the sums. Isn’t that odd?

This tax break game has a funny name too! Industrial Derating.

It means really big companies, like Caterpillar, only have to pay a little slice of their property rates instead of the whole thing.

England stopped doing this in 1963. Scotland stopped in 1995.

But in the north of Ireland, we’re still letting the Caterpillar nibble away for free. It sounds super silly – but only because it is!

On Tuesday…

…the greedy CATerpillar gobbled up £13 million in public money. Public money is the money everyone puts into the pot but not everyone gets to decide where it‘s spent.

Munch! Crunch! Chomp!

But he was still hungry.

Teacher notes:
£13 million could’ve paid for a whole lot of new schoolbooks (booooo!) or even a few swings (yaaaaay!)
But nope – straight into his fat belly. Nom nom.

On Wednesday…

…he munched his way around the world,
slurping up $64 billion in sales each year.

Still hungry!

Teacher notes:
That’s “billion” with a capital “B.”
If you saved £1 every second, it would take you 2,000 years to get that much.
The Caterpillar did it in ONE.

On Thursday…

…he licked his lips and swallowed
$5.7 billion in U.S. loans
and $210 million in local subsidies.

Slurp! Burp!

Still hungry.

Teacher notes:
“Now children, this Caterpillar isn’t just greedy. He’s the school bully. He already owns the canteen, but still steals your chips. That’s how big powers work too: they eat the world’s lunch, then call it ‘freedom.’

Funny word, freedom, isn’t it?”

On Friday…

…the greedy CATerpillar crawled all the way to Gaza.

He munched through houses.
He chewed up schools.
He crunched the walls of children’s bedrooms.

Still hungry. As hungry as those kids. And they are fucking starving.

Teacher notes:
Yes, children – those giant yellow bulldozers are Caterpillar machines. First come the bombs, then in roll the Caterpillars to clear away the rubble, like hungry bugs cleaning their plates.

And do you remember? They’re the very same Caterpillars that Stormont feeds with perks and tax breaks back home.

Can you say it with me? ‘Double standards!’ Very good.

On Saturday…

The CATerpillar had eaten so much,
he went back home with a stuffed sore belly.

He was so stuffed,
he threw up straight into Lough Neagh.

…and that, children,
is why it’s now as green as yer granny’s bingo markers!

Don’t believe me?
Maybe you should go and check that one out for yourself!

Teacher notes:
Now children, see how it pays to do your homework? Find this stuff out for yourself.

And here’s another lesson: don’t rely too much on the AI. It doesn’t always know its geography, and it guzzles up energy and resources like our greedy Caterpillar here. So use it wisely, kids – brains before buttons!

Now children, what did we learn?

If we feed the Caterpillar here, we are helping it smash homes over there.
If we care about kids in Gaza, we can’t keep giving money to the monster.
The Caterpillar doesn’t need our help – he’s already RICHER than rich.

Who to write to:

John O’Dowd MLA — Minister of Finance (Stormont)
📧 john.odowd@mla.niassembly.gov.uk
Your local MLA or MP (search by postcode at niassembly.gov.uk or parliament.uk)

Copy-and-paste template

Subject: Please stop feeding the CATerpillar

Hello,

I am writing as a constituent who is not happy that public money is helping Caterpillar through industrial derating (rates relief) in Northern Ireland.

Caterpillar makes around $64 billion in global sales every year and over $9 billion in profit.

Why is a company this rich on government benefits?

Even worse, Caterpillar machines are documented as being used to demolish homes in Gaza. Giving tax breaks to this company is unjust, unsustainable, and hypocritical.

Please tell me:

Will you support ending Caterpillar’s rates relief and reviewing similar perks?
Will you publish the figures and criteria for these subsidies?
What actions will you take now to stop this?

Thank you,
[Your name]
[Your postcode]

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